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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 30, 2013 6:55pm-7:31pm PDT

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that is so disrespectful. make sure you tune in to see my new stand-up special happy thoughts, premiering on comedy central march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at and finally some of you have been taking a lot of unnecessary cheap shots at me lately. and it's okay when it comes from my half-wit fans, but it's another thing when it comes from a fellow talk show host, especially one who's not even on network television. listen to what this hack had to say. hi i'm wesley. i watch tosh.0 last night and what can i say about daniel tosh. you think i got this show because i'm funny. >> you said it danny boy. >> it's not hard to do this show. green screen. check. youtube videos. check.
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random videos of me naked. i'm naked. check. i just don't get it. but hey i'm only 7. thanks for watch. now get out of my room. i thought you were going to play with me. not you. >> the audience. >> see i'm adam. listen here, you little mother*-*-. nothing would brighten my day more than to destroy some wimp who still plays with dolls. how about this? how about i date your mom and make your bedtime two hours earlier, you no talent piece of crap. keep it up with the insults and there will be no wes.8. do you get what i am saying, bitch? i will bury you and your sister in the sandbox. do not test me. your move, four eyes. goodnight.
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>> stephen: tonight a new way to stop obama-care. instead of calling them death panels, how about murder councils? then a new victory for gun rights. i wonder what i should shoot in the air to celebrate. plus my guest rock folkers the lumineers are here because of the re-release of their first album although if you ask me their earlier stuff is much better. china is launching a 24-hour panda-cam. oh, i can't wait to see those majestic creatures assemble an i-pad. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thanks. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. nation, nation, i hope you're ready because you have to lock your lungs and batten down your colon because obama-care is coming. the individual mandate takes effect on new year's day which means when the times square ball drops, it will immediately be checked for lumps. worse, folks, worse, this bloated bureaucratic program that will never work has started working. >> the department of health and human services announced in 11 states and washington d.c. premiums in the health care marketplace required by obama
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care are turning out to be nearly 20% lower than projected for 2014. >> stephen: maybe so. but you're not going to live any longer because let's face it, most americans are going to blow those savings on cronuts. and the death sentence, and obama-care is being implemented despite the best efforts of house republicans who have voted to symbolically repeal it 39 times. i don't know why it's not working. maybe they need to load more emptiness into their gestures. i don't know now the key to implementing obama-care is the so-called individual mandate because to keep premium costs down officials say they must register 2.7 million healthy people between the ages of 18 and 35 in order to counteract the costs of ensuring seniors and people with health problems. don't fall for it, young people. you don't need insurance. you're going to be young and
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healthy forever. i mean, just look at me. i'm 19 look at this awesome skateboard move. that is called popping a yolo. now fortunately, the godfather of the tea party movement freedomworks recently announced a "burn your obama care card" campaign. that's right, young ones. protest this government overreach by lighting your insurance card on fire. but be careful because if you burn yourself you don't have health insurance. there's only one small problem with this burn your obama-care card plan. there are no such things as obama-care cards.
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but freedomworks isn't letting a little thing like not existing get in its way as their vice president of public policy dean clancy explained. >> freedom works is going to design the obama-care card ourselves. we are going to put that online and share it with people in the hopes that they will burn it, tear it up, mark on it. >> stephen: yes. burn it. tear it. mark it. but first print it, cut it and laminate it. freedomworks is opening up a whole new world of fighting sim symbols of injustice that don't exist. they should refnt a bus, order themselves to sit at the back of the bus and then refuse to sit at the back of their own bus. power. the point is burning things is always an attention getter. and freedomworks special events manager emilia huneke-berquist explained why burning this card was so natural. >> back in the day, just the
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selective service act decided that each and every male in the u.s. is going to need to carry a draft card. and as the vietnam war got are really heated up in '65, '65 citizens everywhere decided to burn their cards in protest of the actions big government was taking. and so here we are about 50 years later, we're facing a new kind of government mandate under obama-care and so we've decided that we're going to torch our own cards. >> stephen: people forget that about the vietnam war. those hippies were just fiscal conservatives protesting a big government program. i don't want to see a whole generation forced to fight infection in some nearby county hospital only to come home in one piece with something to live for. i mean, keep on trucking. well i say if these young people truly want to resist obama-care they need to do what vietnam protestors did in the '60s and
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move to canada. bonus: i hear they have a great health care system up there that doesn't cost that much. nation, if you watch this show, you know i don't mince words. i have a little guatemalan woman who minces them for me. this is tip of the hat, wall of the finger. [ cheers and applause ] folks, ever since the tragic events in benghazi last year we've been trying to gather all the facts but there are two things we know: one, hillary clinton is completely to blame. and two, barack obama is completely to blame. unfortunately it is one of those stories we haven't heard much about lately because it hasn't passed through a royal birth canal or taken a picture of its own penis. but one man out there is fighting to bring bengs ay back into the news which is why i'm giving a tip of the hat to texas republican congressman and realtor you found on a bench ad,
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steve stockman. jim? >> new push for answers on benghazi in a big way on the hill. some republican lawmakers breaking ranks demanding a special investigation. >> we are live on the steps of the capitol for a rally being held by special operation vets as they unroll what they're calling, quote, the largest ever petition to congress. >> literally, a 60-foot long scroll of veteran signatures who want this investigation to happen. >> stephen: that's right. a 60-foot long petition. to put that in perspective, if you took 60 subway foot longs and lined them up on the steps of the capitol building somebody would definitely start a petition to get those sandwiches out of there. they're going to draw rats. of course, you may be wondering how many names can you fit on a 60-foot scroll? quarter of a million? 900,000? well, prepare yourself, nation, because representative stockman's petition has one point 1 thousand signatures on
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it. it was 999 normal-sized signatures and one person who likes to dot her i's with two million tiny hearts. nation, i'd like to show my support for steve stockman's bold empty gesture with a bold empty gesture of my own which is why i'm taking a 65-foot petition to congress. not only is it five feet longer than congressman stockman's. it's also two ply. okay. you know folks? through the stairs i'm going to cover the entire capitol building with my petition. if it rains they'll never get it off. next up folks we all know pornography is a problem all over the world. that's why i'm giving a big tip of my hat to british prime minister david cameron for finally doing something about it. >> david cameron cracking down
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on internet pornography today rolling out a plan that would add adult content filters on everything from computers to smartphones to public wi-fi networks. >> stephen: yes, now it will be impossible for british youth to see pornography unless they can somehow gain access to page 3 of the sun. and it's not just picture and video, folks. the prime minister is also planning to censor key search terms making it a lot harder to google the phrase "making it a lot harder." but british internet users who want their meat and two veg can still see it because users will be able to opt out of the setting by request. that's right. you english can still enjoy your brit-rotica. all you have to do is ask for it. >> please, sir. i want some (deep male voice)
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porn. >> what? i want some (stephen's voice:) porn [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: finally, as a proud son of south carolina, folks, i rarely have kind words for those barbarians to the north. i mean, who makes barbecue sauce with vinegar? that's what you use to clean a toilet. when i say toilet, i mean charlotte. but on the plus side, their republican-controlled state legislature is turning north carolina into a conservative shangri-la proposing for passing bills that would make couples wait two years to divorce, declare an official state religion and remove the requirement that charter school teachers have a college degree. great move. i mean, who better to teach fifth grade than a 6th grader. it's still fresh in his mind. not to mention an indecency bill
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that would make it a felony to expose a nipple for the purposes of arousal. so, north carolina strippers, be sure to add a sign on your chest that reads "for educational purposes only." well, folks, all those bills were just foreplay, which i believe is also illegal in north carolina. because i'm giving a tip of my hat to the north carolina legislature for my favorite resolution yet. >> house bill 937 approved tuesday by the house and senate allows concealed handgun permit holders to bring their weapons to bars and restaurants that serve alcohol. concealed weapons holders will also be allowed to carry their guns on green ways, playgrounds and other public recreation areas >> stephen: that's right. now you can bring guns to playgrounds and, folks, we need them because the monkey bars are well known al qaeda training grounds. plus guns will make the whole playground experience much more fun. instead of duck, duck, goose,
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you can just play duck, duck, duck! and guns will mean much less work for busy parents who are tired of pushing their kids on the swings, as you can see in this colbert report exclusive graphic simulation. we'll be right back. )bb0f[p"p"4dpñ
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight are an indy folk band best known for their song ho, hey. not to be confused with a song by elliott spitzer, hey, ho. please welcome to lumineers. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. nice to see you. here we go. we have wesley shultz. we have neyla pekarek and jonathan fraites. >> close, jeremiah fraites stephen: how can you forget a name like that? you sound like the main character from a steinbach novel. the man who is walking all the way across the country to tells the woman he loves her but he dies of cholera. you guys, you two are from new jersey. that true?
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>> yeah stephen: where are you from? diswroo denver >> stephen: you're the one who drew them out to denver because you guys were in brooklyn and then you went to denver from brooklyn. was there not enough pot in brooklyn? you actually had to go to denver where it's legal. >> not so much for the vegetation selection there. it was more about cheaper rent to be honest. we just wanted eliminate more distractions >> stephen: billings montana even cheaper than denver. what drew you to denver. >> a couple of friends moving into a house. they had enough room for us to have a practice base and live there. it was half the amount i was spending in brooklyn. i think it was basically a financial reason to move. just to have more time to play the music >> stephen: your first album sold a million copies, right? >> i can move back there now. stephen: why not? i know folk singer language. >> yeah. i mean we could. i like denver though.
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>> stephen: there's no reason not to. no reason not to. your family must be very happy. >> definitely. we're never home anymore. no, we travel a lot. i think as amuse i cannian you have to spend a lot of it away from home. >> they're probably upset with it. in the middle of a tour she got offered a teaching position >> stephen: what kind of teaching. >> i got my degree in music education. i got offered to be a middle school band teacher. >> stephen: you should definitely do it. those kids will be so... can you imagine? or at least substitute teach. wouldn't that be great? >> it was a perfect job to have while we toured. i could work as many days as i wanted in the school year. >> we had a living room from march two years ago. >> stephen: what? in the living room. >> is is that right? stephen: oh, here.
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you had a residency in someone's living room. that's super folk owe. >> i got my internship in someone's broom closet. >> stephen: why do you stomp and clap so much because you do. you do. hey. is that always under your control? >> it just comes out of me. we used to play living rooms like we were just actual living rooms. >> stephen: that wasn't that far off the mark. >> yeah. there was no microphones so because of that, you had to make a lot of noise to get someone's attention so that they would stop... >> stephen: they knew you were there, right? get that dude's attention over there. >> with a song like ho hey it's more musical. if you drove 14 hours from l.a. up to portland and you have 35 minutes to make your mark and you're losing hundreds of
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dollars in gas and sort of your last-ditch effort, we would go into the audience and set up tables and we would scream ho hey at people >> stephen: stomping your feet was really as much of as a tantrum as anything else. would you stomp and clap for us. >> sure. tephen: all right. thank you very much. >> thanks for having us. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: we'll be right back
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here to perform a song off the reissue of their album, the lumineers. ladies and gentlemen, the lumineers. ♪
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: the lumineers. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers [ cheers and applause ] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> john: welcome to the daily show. my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who is away this summer filming a "national geographic"
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special slowly gaining the trust of a family of meercats. our guest tonight, mark leave veitch author of "this town" is with us. it's a brilliant expose of how washington d.c. turns out to be exactly as awful as everyone thinks it is. but we start tonight in russia. with edward snowden, the former n.s.a. contractor turned whistle blower and also of the upcoming lonely planet terminal-d of the moscow airport. so what has he been up to apart from nothing? >> russian news agencies reported that snowden would get a special i.d. card or document of some kind that would allow him to finally leave the airport transit zone. but it turns out that the lawyer wasn't carrying any such i.d. card. he did have some fresh clothes for us, some pizza and a couple of books by check often. >> john: that's nice because nothing lightens a man's spirits
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like theodore. i think you'll find him in barnes and enable's misery section. take that. now you understand suffering. i've got no problem with you, checkov. no problem. but like a hotel phone ringing at 5:30 a.m. because you specifically requested it, snowden has provided a real wake-up call. (laughing). he's forced americans to examine the trade-offs we've made between national security and not having the government listen into our private phone calls with 55 [bleep]. i told that in confidence about my private medical history. i'm concerned. i'm clearly not the only one concerned about this level of government intrusion. >> new nbc wall street journal poll shows the public growing more weary know the government could go too far in its
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surveillance programs and violate privacy rights. for the first time now a majority 56% now say they are worried that the u.s. monitoring programs will go too far. >> john: right. and the really concerning thing there, the data gathered in that poll didn't come through a survey. they just know what you think now. luckily there are some people in congress who are paying attention. >> within the last hour statements from republican congressman justin amash and the ranking democrat on the house judiciary committee jon conyers who are introducing legislation to limit the collection of phone records and to force secret national security court opinions to be public. >> this strange coalition, very liberal and very conservative. you don't often hear that these days. >> john: that's right. not only is congress actually responding to this candle, democrats and republicans are working together. that feels strange. it's like when an animal becomes friends with a totally different